Shock 1: He was 'shroom-ed!

It's not a life altering secret. I just found out that one of our VPs tried out 'shrooms in Boracay back in Holy Week. (In Boracay, there's no such thing as Holy Week. Instead of repenting and thinking of how Jesus Christ died on the cross, people party like the demons in hell.) Anyway, I thought that he was just dead drunk... so drunk that he passed out sitting up! I only learned this week that he took 'shrooms, the locally produced 'drug' ('shrooms are poisoned mushrooms that can only be found growing in Carabao dung. Locals harvest it and cook it and sell it at P2000 per bottle, the size of a regular Cheez Whiz bottle. It is eaten by the spoon (once is enough) and is said to look like Laing and taste like Laing, only it is sweeter. It gives people hallucinations ... I think). No wonder he didn't wake up when we were all stacking up bean bags behind him or that people took turns taking pictures with him.

Come to think of it, this VP is our resident GRO. When he's drunk he can go from table to table, meeting women and getting their numbers. So it should come as a surprise that that night, he passed out from the 'shrooms.

Other legendary 'shroom stories? Well, this was waaaaay before. There were these 2 foreigners who tried out 'shrooms. One of them took him 2 hours to walk from one end of our bar to the other end. I kid you not. While the other guy hugged a coconut tree for the same amount of time. I kid you not again. (By the way, we don't sell 'shrooms in our establishment. It's illegal!)


Shock 2: It's Not Giantism.

Last Saturday night, I was at our bar seated at a table at the top of the stairs. Suddenly, a humongous woman walks in with one of our regular guests. Now, when I say humongous, I don't mean fat. I mean tall. At my normal height of 5'8" (That's 5 feet, 4 inches and three quarters plus 3 inch high heels), I still had to look up at her. She was taller than any supermodel. But because of her height, her weight had to support her frame so she was on the chunky side... but not at all fat. She still had shape. And she was even pretty. People really stared at her because she was hard to miss. We just thought her abnormal height was caused by a genetic disease called Giantism.

This Wednesday, she returned to the bar but this time with a guy in tow. You could tell that he was her boyfriend. This guy was not only good looking but taller than her too! You could tell he was a basketball player. With that height, it was impossible that he wasn't recruited. Anyway, I was thinking how lucky she is to find a guy who is actually taller than her. Believe me, tall girls have a hard time finding guys who are taller than them.

But curiosity got to me. As the bar's manager sat at my table, I asked him, "Nakita mo yung babaeng malaki sa bar?" and even before I could ask anything (and to be honest, I didn't even know what to ask), he replied, "Oo! Operada yun!" I was shocked. "Ano?! Nagpa- sex change yun? Pano mo alam?" He replied, "Pinsan yan ng asawa ni (insert name of regular guest here)." So that validated the information as a non- rumor.

A few minutes later, I got up and walked to the bar where my Uncle was hanging out. I was gonna ask him something related to work when he suddenly volunteered information, "Kita mo yung malaking babae?" (I nod my head) "Operada yan at di alam ng boyfriend!!!" (I was shocked yet again that my mouth fell and my hand flew to my already opened mouth.) Apparently, the boyfriend was half Canadian and he tried out for the PBA Alaska team but didn't make it. And yes, unfortunately, the guy doesn't have a clue. Poor guy. The truth is bound to come out soon. As Jose Rizal put it, "Walang sekretong di nabubunyag!"


Shock 3: Why The Presidential Daughter Walked Out on Uncle

One of the things I love about my Uncle and his bestfriend, who is the 'shroomed VP mentioned above, is that as bosses, they're geniuses yet outside of work, they're funny and crazy.

I think it was last Holy Week as well when the Presidential Daughter, who we all know is by far, the most respectable one in the bunch of Macapagal- Arroyos, visited Boracay. The VP stationed in Boracay got a chance to befriend her and so when she dropped by our bar, he introduced my Uncle, as president of the bar, to her.

After the introductions were made, Uncle, who wasn't drunk yet but had a lot to drink already, suddenly gave his best impersonation of Ate Glo, the gay impersonator of Madam President, and said, "Ang saya- saya, noh?"

Luli Arroyo walked out on him.

To this day, my Uncle doesn't know what got into him, aside from the alcohol, that made him do that.